Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Why I love the Republican Right

I am not going to lie to you. I, quite frankly, love the Republican Right. Its true.
Oh yes. Every time I see Sean Hannity, with his square jaw, his manly bravado, and his masculine display of strength and pride when he shouts down those weak, weak liberals...I just faint (and not only me-go ask Alan Colmes. He'll back me up on this one). And what about big Rush Limbaugh? Oh, don't even get me started. "I hope Obama fails", his glorious, jesus-blessed voice proclaimed over the radio only a few months ago. To this I say yes: thank the blessed lord Jesus that someone has the nerve to stand up for the ordinary man, for the little guy, for the man on the street, and tell it like it is. Yes, tell that socialist/communist/nazi liberal of a president where to go. To him and his universal healthcare, Rush sends a big "fuck you". Thats right, Rush. Stick it to the man.

The Republican right hates universal healthcare. Of course, and so they should. I mean, seriously, haven't the left learned the lessons of Reagan? Big government is EVIL. Big government wants to rule your life. And didn't you hear Sarah Palin? Big government wants to KILL YOUR CHILDREN. Thats right. Just ask Sarah Palin. She'll tell you. Good old Sarah.

But seriously, what is it with these liberals? Why do they want to provide healthcare to those that can't afford it? Because, obviously, people who can't afford healthcare are lazy. Everyone knows this. There are 46 million Americans without health insurance right now, say the left. Well, maybe those 46 million Americans shouldn't be so goddamn lazy! Maybe, instead of sitting around smoking pot and playing nintendo all day, they should go out and get jobs like the rest of us! Wait, most of them do have jobs? Well...maybe they should get real jobs! Real jobs, like Sean Hannity. mmm...Sean Hannity.

Besides, everyone knows the basic principle that free market competiton lowers prices. You know-the more companies, the more they have to appeal to buyers, so the more they lower prices to appeal to customers. It makes perfect sense-but those liberals don't know this, somehow. I mean, look at Ronald "movie hero" Reagan; "government is the problem", he famously said, and so he showed. None of that socialist bullshit for Ron; by cutting government services during his (glorious, glorious) presidency, by the end of the 1980s, everyone (even the common man) was sorting cocaine by the truckload! See? Success! Ok, so maybe by the time he finished the country was 2.7 trillion dollars in debt...but thats ok, because the next president, with all his conservative wisdom, bailed us out! Umm...ok, maybe George H.W Bush DIDN'T solve the problem, actually. But thats fine, because the next president certainly did! He even gained us the biggest surplus in American history! So who was this glorious , glorious free-market conservative? Oh...Bill Clinton.
Moving along...

Well, yes. As we all know, Clinton was a traitor and a liar; lying about having sex with an oval office intern? Straight to hell! Seriously, thank god the Republican Right has its priorities straight. How can America tolerate having a president who cheats on his wife, for christ' sake? IMPEACHMENT, they cried. And not only that, Clinton LIED to the American public about going to war! Thats right, he told everyone about those "WMD's" that Saddam was about to destroy the world with, remember? Total bullshit! Thank god the Republican Right tried to impeach THAT GUY. Oh wait, hang on. So that was George W Bush...but that was different. Oh yes, thats right; that was in the name of FREEDOM. So that doesn't count. But sex in the oval office? Unfit for presidency. For sure.

So yes, this is why I love the republican right. Maybe they have double standards. Maybe they lie all the time. Maybe they just make shit up. But you know what? This is what LIBERALS do! Thats right. Goddamn liberals. America haters. THEY'RE the ones who would make you believe this. Can't trust them. Just ask Sean Hannity.

mmm....Sean Hannity...

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